Mile High Club and the Stamp of Day 11

5/13/11 Day 11

TIP UPDATE.  I like to name the blog entries sometimes.  Such as “TIP UPDATE.”  It makes me believe that it will be a part of an ongoing series, but the reality is that I will forget all about it and never actually do an update.  Anyway, my observation today is similar to an earlier post.  I just received a generous $5 tip from a well-pierced young man finishing up a thirteen hour shift at Jewel ( a grocery store for you non-Chicagoans).  We drove 4 miles together.   My first fare tonight was an executive coming home from closing a “big contract” in New York.  It was a 22 mile ride in hellish traffic, on an ugly toll-way.  She talked at me for most of it.  Same tip.  I am thankful for the tip after this airport ride, and would argue it as fair.  My thought really rests on how generous and appreciative the young man was.

HEY- Just drove by Horse-Drawn Productions (the recording studio I use) in Berwyn. Hi guys.

THE STAMP:  Okay, I really didn’t need to name this post THE STAMP, but I am striving for consistency here.  In my very first or second post (Day 2?), I wrote about the $4 tax cabs and limos pay at the airports.  They are sold in books of 10 by unfriendly humanlike creatures that sit behind 15-inch thick bullet proof glass.  As soon as the many loitering cabbies from the United Nations Convention being held near the brick ticket-selling building saw me go for my wallet, they pounced.  I now know what fresh roadkill feels like as the buzzards swoop in.  Each buzzard knows how to say the word “share” in English.  Each buzzard holds out four $1 bills in the same fashion, so that I can see that their wad really is $4.  Each buzzard wants one of my 10 stamps, so it can avoid buying 10 stamps.  Yes, I said “it”.   I am all  in  I get it.  I can help. I am part of the solution. I don’t want to hold onto 10 stamps.  It’s a win-win.  

While waiting for our next fare, we often “post up” at the LaGrange train station.  It sits across from The Grapevine restaurant. Good stuff, Grapevine is.  It is one of those joints that is many steps above fast food.  You order at the counter, get a number, and then they bring you your food when it is ready, which is how I prefer my food.  These order-at-the-counter joints are the best.  What they really do is eliminate the possibility of bad service, and the need to tip.  Again, I believe in good tips for good service, but I don’t mind cutting out the middleman.  Sorry ACLU,  middleperson.

MILE HIGH CLUB?  I picked up a well dressed couple from a posh wine bar in Burr Ridge. They seemed to have sampled most of the wine.  They needed to get to another imbibing establishment about 15 minutes away. I don’t think they were married based on how “in to” HIM that SHE seemed to be.  The slurping sounds came quick.  She liked to kiss.  “Hey, this is like the show Cash Cab!,” HE blurted.  More like Taxicab Confessions, I thought. During the first few minutes, SHE was really trying to get HIM to mess around.  Though they were hoping I could not hear them, drunk people cannot whisper. She really wanted IT, but he was embarrassed to perform in a cab.  I was gripping the wheel tightly, unsure what I wanted, and pretending I could not hear the conversation.  “But what about the mile high club?,” SHE asked.  Any success would get you into the 18 inch club I figured. (Thanks HS).   I finally put HIM out of his misery and announced they had about 2 more miles to figure it all out.

METAMORPHASIS: The couple that I dove to the Murray’s Bar at 8PM was NOT the same couple I drove home from Murray’s at 2AM.  Beer changes people.  It also makes them throw up.  They did like my story about the mile high club couple.  They wanted to know if I would have allowed the wine bar couple to complete their mission.  I had to admit I wasn’t sure. Are there laws about this sort of thing? It was concluded that if the wine bar couple had been less than attractive, that I would have announced, “hey, you can’t do that in here!  There are laws about this sort of thing.”

Day 10, Match dot com and a coyote?

Why “drivingyouaround” is cool?  I picked up Harold at the grocery store.  He only needed to go a few miles to get home.  Harold had plenty to be proud of. A lawyer for fifty years, accepted into the Air Force at age 17.  He was a gunner in a plane out of the Philippines in WWII, made it home, and married a “gal” that already had 3 kids.  He was proud of his relationship with his stepchildren.  For Christmas one year, they gave him his most memorable gift; they elected to change their last name to his.  I could tell Harold was sorry we could not talk longer.

#2 was a walk up.  She approached the car while on her cell phone.  “Hold on, I gotta tell this guy where I am going.”  I’m “this guy”.  She was still yapping about the big account she is working on as she walked towards her front door.  I am not sure she if she took a breath the whole time.  I felt for the sap on the other end of that one-sided conversation

.

#3 was a boring ride to the airport.  Boring!  Didn’t he know I need blog material? People can be selfish.

#4 and her sister, #5, were my second non-monetary tip of my driving career.  I’m not sure which sister smelled like stale cigarettes, and which smelled like stale beer.  I would have guessed them homeless, but I picked them up at a home. 

Some notable quotes from the ride to the 24-HR Walgreen’s pharmacy:

“You can’t smoke in here Sis! This is a one of those nice cars, like a limo car or sumpthin.”

“I hope you hurry, I’m gonna have a smoke while you’re in the store, so hurry.  Hurry, okay?”

“She ain’t hurrying.”

“We are sisters but we love each other.”

“Your nice, you should come hang with us sometime.”

“Your all dressed up. Where you goin’?”

            Me – “I’m working, and apparently I am going to Walgreens”

“You ever have this gum? Its good gum. It has a cool wrapper.”

“It’s eleven dollars? Oh, well here is twelve and the rest of the pack of gum. My sister doesn’t like this gum.  I like it for gum and all.”

#7 was on a Match.com date.  I picked him up in Orland Park, near my old “hood.”  He had just finished up his first date, Stacy.  She is from Country Club Hills, which is my old “hood.”  Stacy had her own car.  #7 likes Match.com at age 45.  He only dates black (African-American) women now. He says the women he has dated are less uptight .   #7 is white (white).

#8 and I saw a coyote on the way back from the airport.  I have seen many lately.  Most of them are pretty scrawny and mangy looking.  The last one I saw was pretty healty and quite regal.  I was embarrassed to think it could have been a wolf.  #8 said he just saw a wolf.  I didn’t want to make him feel stupid and point out that it was a coyote.  Its bad for tips to make the customer feel stupid..  So I told him anyway. 

Part II of Day 9

It was 11pm when I drove several young dudes from the burbs to Wrigleyville in Chicago.  The entered the cab full of phrases like:

• The ladies are already at the club, bro.
• I am pumped, chicks will be drunk with Mardi Gras and all
• I'm not gonna puke tonight

About halfway there, two of the four party animals were asleep. They awoke to the sounds reverberating from John Barleycorn's.

My last customers were not really customers.  This never really happened.  If you have read the previous blog entries, you know that I am not supposed to pick up fares in the City of Chicago unless we are called.  While slooooooowwly driving down Lincoln Avenue, amongst the many bars and clubs, there was no shortage of party peoples on the street.  When two young ladies looked to hail (hale?) a cab, they caught my eye.

#1:  Are you a cab? (as she eyed the car)
#2:  There is a phone number on the window, get in.
Me:  Well I am, but ( and they enter the cab )
Me:  Um, well, it is by the mile.  This isn't a taxi
#1: I don't think this is right. We should get out.
#2:  He has a radio thing, I think its fine.  I'll call my Dad and keep him on the phone
Me: No really, you are probably safe with me ( I thought sarcasm would bring some trust to the relationship)
#1: I'll call Bob.  Oh Fake Cab Guy (me), we are headed to North and Wells.  Bob, come out with us.......well get dressed...... cmon'.
My brain:  Bob was clearly getting a booty call.  Good for Bob. 
#2: I know what is creepy about you Fake Cab Guy. You speak English and seem normal.  That is what is wrong.
#1 to #2: Bob is an ass.  I wanted you to meet him.
#2 to #1:  You just wanted sex.
#1: Well he's gonna have to wait awhile for that from me I think.
My brain: At least until you get drunk again.
That was that.  The two were delivered unharmed. 

Soon I need to share my memory of the short cab scene in the movie, Splash.

Day 9. Forest Park, Brookfield, and Miss Daisy.

Day 9

It had been a few weeks since my friend Barry at 5^th Avenue Cab needed help.  After witnessing the Town of Brookfield Pub Crawl, the Forest Park St. Pats Parade (yes, on March 5^th), and some gigantor party in LaGrange Park, I understand why they needed the Saturday help.  Add to the chaos a dumping of freezing rain and snow along with many closed roads and ramps, it proved to be quite the night in the cab.

Customer #1 was a walk-up while I was posted at the train station.

#1:  Do you guys drive to the Loop? (A 20 mile trip to downtown Chicago)

Me: Maybe

#1:  I missed the train, I am in the Navy, my grandmother is in town.  How much would it cost?

Me: About $40

#1: Would you trust me?  I can go to an ATM when we get downtown.

My brain: Not really.  You talk as if you have snorted a lot of substance and have a shaggy haircut.

Me: No.

#1: Hmm.

Me: There is an ATM a few blocks away.  I will take you there and you can pre-pay.

That is how it went down.  After wo closed bridges and a closed ramp, we made it to the Hotel Intercontinental.  Grandma has class.  Dude looks forward to being stationed in San Diego.  According to Customer #1, San Diego has “lots of things to buy, and women, and strip clubs.”  I don’t think he meant to connect them as dots.

Customer #2/3 were my fare achieved by “trolling.”  Madison Avenue in Forest Park, IL is full of Irish Pubs,  trendy restaurants, and a few clubs.  The street was hopping with drunks as the town held their St. Patrick’s Day Parade earlier. 

Drunk Customer #2 (an attractive Asian women in her 20’s): Shit, you are a cab. Great. Get in idiot.

Drunk Customer #3: With my beer and stuff?

#2:  Hey driver guy, I think we are going to 8 something Washington.

My Brain: Another person with a fear of commitment…

#2:  I don’t know why you are mad at me.

#3:  I think I want you to shut up.  It’s okay driver guy, I won’t pee in your car.

#2:  If you pee, I’ll shit (so ladylike)

#2:  Its okay driver guy, we talk like that. And he is drunk.  We are like brother and sister.

My brain:  I never had a sister, so I won’t judge.

#3:  I like you driver guy

My brain:  Thanks.

#2:  I am not sure why I date dumb white guys (hence the importance of my Asian qualifier earlier)

After a nice tip, #2 got out of the cab and started walk and find her car.  #3 just sat in the back for a minute.

#3: Do I have to go?

Me: She likes you, and you have to pee, remember?

He left.

Customers #4 and #5 were also walking the streets.  They were a really nice drunk couple. Engaged.  We had fun and talked about drums.

#4: Will you take us to Oak Brook?  22^nd or 16^th Streets. (Another fear of commitment)

Me: Let’s start with 22^nd Street and work our way down.

#4:  Good plan.  This is my fiancé, Jenny. 

#5:  We are going to a club in Oak Brook.  I don’t think we are dressed appropriately. Will you wait for us and make sure we get in?  Then take us to my place to change?

Me: Sure, we charge by the mile.

My brain: I hope you two nice people do not throw up, and that you do NOT get into the club.  More $$.

#4 and #5 provided me with an addition to their normal tip… a really ugly purse with 5 tall-boy cans of Budweiser.  They didn’t feel it appropriate to take it into SKY.  SKY is a bar/nightclub that is SO fancy that they use a backwards “K.”  My nightclub will be called "GARY" with a backwards "A."

Customer #6 was a “drivingmissdaisy” situation:

Me: So where we headed?

Miss Daisy: How the hell should I know?  Take any route you like.

Me: I mean, what is the name of the restaurant?

Miss Daisy: Oh, well …………

Visit soon for more of Day 9………

On January 25th...

On January 25th I wrote a few thoughts about The North Face jackets and coats.  A few days ago, my nine -year-old daughter got in the car after school and blurted, "Dad, is it okay that I don't have a North Face coat?"  She was somewhat concerned.  She then let me know that she really doesn't care, and that she doesn't feel the need for one.  That was cool.  She was my date to see the new production of Les Miserables this week.  We took a cab.  The driver was talking in his Blue Tooth (?) thing the whole time.  I have not been in a regular taxi in Chicago in a year when the driver wasn't talking (yelling) into his hands-free phone.  Annoying?

Movies and TV

I was recently asked if the garage at 5th Avenue Cab is similar to the set of the television show, Taxi.  Below are my observations;

-  There is NO Marilu Henner there. I am sad about that.
-  There is no cage.  The boss is nice, and does not need a cage.
-  There IS a set of stairs to a loft office/apartment I will never see.
-  There is a really comfortable couch and a nice television.
-  They do work on the cabs right there in the same "room."  None of the mechanics speak with an unidentifiable accent.
-  There is driver a tad too much like the character Jim.


The theme to Taxi ("Angela's Theme") is one of the best recordings of a Rhodes Piano..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoprWUp2h3U


More information on Taxi movies we will discuss later......  MOVIES

Beef sandwich, anyone?

 Day 8

Three evenings in a row now.  When the temperture is below zero, more humans want rides.

I am currently waiting at the Midway Airport holding lot.  It is giving me time to talk Hollywood.  I believe the idea started when I realized that the movie “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” doesn’t feature the Taxi as one of the main modes of transportation.  I think Dell Griffith and Neal Page finally arrive at Neal’s house via a cab, so where is the love?  One of my favorites, with Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro, is “Midnight Run.”  Similar to “Planes, Trains and Autos,” the characters use several modes of transportation before finally making their destination.  The only movie that jumps out is “Taxi Driver”, and as I recall, the main character is a lunatic.  I have no plans to follow any political candidates around and shoot them, btw.  “Scrooged” has a great New York cab that helps get Bill Murray’s character around, and there is a cameo with Miles Davis in that movie!

A note about blogging; I am learning how to best use the blog site.  I do believe if you become a FOLLOWER of the blog, I can eventually message you when there are new posts.  I understand that new posts are infrequent, and that it is not the first site you visit after reading the morning paper.  Only the lead singer from the band J Canon checks my blog daily. What I do know is that I make a fraction of a penny each time a blog reader clicks one of the Ads.  So feel free to make me tens of dollars.

I have written a lot here in the Limo Lot.  I guess none of the planes that have practically hit the roof of this cab are carrying my future passengers.  A reminder about a limo/livery cab – we can’t pick up a fare at a Chicago Airport unless they call us for a ride.  The humans in red coats will stone me if I get out of line.  The airports are rough.

Ding Ding Ding…. It is Restaurant Review time. I have driven several folks in the food industry around town. Usually it as a ride home from work.  Tonight I drove a waiter from Tavern on LaGrange home. (Those not from the area may want to stop reading this blog entry now.)  When I asked, “Cmon’, how is the food really?  It is more of a tavern than a restaurant.”  The reply was a heartfelt thumbs up.  My customer has worked at several restaurants (I let him know that his stint at Olive Garden does not count.), and he is impressed with the food.  He usually eats the beef sandwich.

Bubba Gump and Me

 

Day 7

I drove two days in a row.  This was The Day.  The Day that Chicago received 20+ inches of snow.  It came with some serious wind.  My trip out in my own car at 2PM made me feel like Will Smith’s character in the movie “I Am Legend.”  Funny, that movie was on the previous day.  For several blocks I was the only thing moving in downtown Chicago.  I eventually came across several clumps of people walking in the street carrying paper Whole Foods bags.  The lack of traffic and light snow made them look like refugees fleeing an atomic bombing. 

Considering the snow, I was surprised to get a call to drive the cab.  By late afternoon, with many of the main streets cleared, the company discovered that they were one of the only services open.  A profitable evening was ahead since the “smart” cab and livery companies closed due to the snow.  It reminded me of that Bubba Gump chump and his shrimpin’ boat.  He took his boat out despite a hurricane warning, and ended up the only boat to survive the storm.  Don’t be surprised if I take a turn at opening a chain of restaurants with a Taxi theme.  Don’t be surprised if the venture fails and I die penniless.

It was still pretty desolate in the Western Suburbs.  The best evidence of the snow storm was the fact that I passed no less than 9 different McDonald’s throughout the evening…. All CLOSED.  Now there is a McNugget of information for you. (sorry)

My first fare was actually a disgruntled employee.  He was quite upset that he was taken off the road.  “I have been up and driving for twelve hours,” he yelled in the backseat.  “Who are they to take their best driver off the road?”  Then he napped.

I picked up Number 5,6, and 7 together at the diner attached to the bowling alley.  They each live in a semi-supervised assisted living building.  I think each had several parts missing, but together made a fully functional human.  “Nothing like bowling alley food.  Can’t beat it,” Number 6 informed me. 

I expect to write soon about cabs in the movies.  I mentioned this in the Day 6 post.  “Taxi Driver”,  “Plaines Trains and Automobiles”, “Midnight Run”, and “Scrooged” will all get mentions.  I am aware that a taxi may not appear in each film.  If you have a film that might need a mention, please COMMENT below.

Thanks for reading.

Never trust your phone...

 

Day 6

This blog entry will be date stamped as The Day Before.  The Day Before what?  Tomorrow, it is forcasted that Chicago will receive 18-24 inches of snow.  This could surpass the Blizzard of 67’ in size.  The south side of the city and northwest Indiana could also see additional snow as a gift from Mother Nature known “lake effect snow.”  Lake effect snow is the result of moisture coming off of Lake Michigan.

Tonight I am driving one of two minivans owned by the cab company.  No Audi for me tonight.  I would like to act disappointed, but this thing is comfortable!  I know that the minivan is to car design the way the bowl cut is to hairstyling. But I must say, both are quite practical.

Tonight I drove a young man from a very expensive restaurant to a complete dump of a bar in Stone Park, Illinois.  Many of you understand that there is little left in Stone Park since all of the adult entertainment establishments were “moved out.”  I asked him if he worked at the fancy restaurant.  “No,” he said. “My friend works in the kitchen and brings me free food while I sit at the bar.”  Not a surprise he needed a lift to Stone Park 20 minutes away.  “I know the bartender there.  She is 63, but really nice and brings me a few free drinks.”  He must have assumed that I knew that most 63-yr-old women are not very nice.

Bad night for Customer #2;  His car would not start when leaving work. He was excited to hear our per mile rates.  He said his place is about a mile away.  He told me where it was, and I said it was more like 8 miles.  "But my phone GPS says its about a mile."  "Well your phone is stupid," I didn't say.   Bad month for Customer #2; He had a falling out with family and is staying in a crappy motel.  Bad night for Customer #2.  We stopped at McDonalds and he did not have enough money for his 20-piece nugget meal.  I got a 99 cent coffee.  Good night for me.  After we drove the actual 10.2 miles to his crap motel, he said, "I still think that was about a mile and you might be ripping me off."  Stay in school kids.  Don't do drugs.

One of my last thoughts as I drove back to the garage was about cabs and the movies.  Stay tuned for those thoughts. 

Note:  “Stay tuned” is a phrase we will have to explain to the Ipod Generation.  They do not listen to the radio.

Reflection on North Face

... or is it THE North Face?  I realized in the grocery store today that I do not own a "The North Face" (TNF) coat.  They let me buy food despite my deficiency.  No wonder I am cold!  My coat doesn't work.  Sure, my coat worked last year.  I drove a family of three to the airport in the cab last week.  Four people in the Audi, three TFN jackets.  I didn't notice until we got out for the luggage, since the TFN logo is usually on the BACK of the coat.  Was this originally a mistake?  "Hey, Percilla sewed the logo on the BACK! Should we fire her?" 

I remember while I was in college, it was cool to wear your sweatshirt inside-out.  I am all for buying popular stuff.  Popular stuff is rarely crap.  As a Chicagoan, I just feel that the SOUTHsiders once again got the shaft. 

Is London Fog dead?

Day Five

Again, I was happy to be available when I got the call from Barry asking me if I was available to drive.  I was almost given the keys to one of the two min-vans, but my look of disappointment was well read, and I was back in car #134.  (Not that there is anything wrong with mini-vans).

I figured it would be a slower day with no Holiday surrounding the weekend.  I was correct. It does continue to amaze me that each fare introduces me to one character after another.  #1 today needed a ride from the pancake joint to the local coin collectors show.  Who knew that there was a large coin show once a month?  His first words as I met him outside of the car matched the look on his face. “That’s it? I have to get in that?” My immediate thought was that he had issue with the Audi.  Maybe he disliked Germans. It ends up the issue was the size of the sedan.  “I can’t bend,” he offered.  Once comfortable in the front seat, he shared that a train had hit him years ago while working for the railroad.  If it were not for the extreme cold conditions, he would have died. I learn all of this in about forty-five seconds.  By the way, now is a good time to sell coins due to the value of silver at the moment.  Not quite the stock tip I am waiting for, but good information.

#2 was an older gentleman and his son of about 45 years. They needed a simple ride from Burger King back into town.  I am not sure what a complex ride would have entailed. As soon as the son tried to say a word, the father interrupted him with a loud, “shut it Kenny, and speak when spoken to!”  During the quick stop for the horse racing tip sheet from 7-11, Kenny shared with me how he had a lot to tell the preacher.  He mentioned that he should not be telling me this.  Confession is private he taught me.  I was about to say, “Kenny, speak only when spoken to!”  My cab smelled like Burger King.  The father and I shared war stories about the red light cameras.  I have been hit with two right-turn-on-red tickets.  I paid them.  I also read an article stating that the cameras and the towns that use them will alter the way they issue right-on-red tickets.  Thanks a lot!

Unfortunately, only one airport run today. Midway Airport: named in honor of the Battle of Midway.  Surviving that battle must have been a bit like surviving my first experience in the bathrooms at Midway’s can lot.  Housed in a government building, which also houses the TAX STAMP window and a few vending machines, the bathrooms are unique.  I was met by a gentleman using the janitor’s spigot (reserved for filling buckets) as a shower.  He was quite skilled at throwing water on himself and cleaning his feet in the floor level drain tub.  Maybe I will learn.  In my stall of choice, I found an empty gallon bottle of windshield-wiper fluid.  How and why this bottle was next to a toilet was the day’s mystery.  Hmmmmm.

Back in the lobby were several prayer mats and several drivers about to use them.  I thought this was cool … not sure why.

#5 for they day came out of his house wearing a red shirt and khaki pants.  Where was he going?  Target.

#6 and I were able to reminisce about the South Side Irish Parade, a parade that was cancelled in 2009.  That ended at least 25 years of several hundred thousand people invading a great Chicago neighborhood and its taverns once a year.  I don’t remember much about those pre-parties, parade floats, and post-parties, but they all looked fun on the news and in the police blotter.

Correction: While useful, mini-vans have not one ounce of aesthetic value.

http://www.helium.com/items/773623-overcoming-the-psychological-stigma-of-buying-a-minivan

Ambulance

This was a first. I pulled over, as you would when you see an ambulance with its lights on coming toward you.  Why?  Because an ambulance was speeding towards me.  Anyway, I could see that there were two EMT's in the truck, one of them driving the ambulance.  I could also see them playing rock-paper-scissors (rochambeau).  I witnessed THREE games.  It really made me wonder what assignment the winner was hoping to avoid when the ambulance reached the destination.  Thoughts?

The actors..

http://5thavecab.com/